And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
