I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
