Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
