The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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