shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
