I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
