Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
