WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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