Porn is love you can see.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
