mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
