we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
