Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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