Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
