a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
