WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
