You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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