dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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