seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
