she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
