Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
