There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
