Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My penis needs a shock collar
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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