Whod you bang
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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