My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
