I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
