it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
