Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Randomize
