Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
