so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
