I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
