i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
