You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
