I think I am morally bankrupt
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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