Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just high enough for therapy.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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