I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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