come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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