Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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