you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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