Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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