i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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