The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
