I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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