i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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