New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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