he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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