Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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