Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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