I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She's the barista slut.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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