Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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