ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She told me I should be a condom model.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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