I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I puked a lego.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
