I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
40s are totally the cure
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
