Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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